Book Reviews

Kiss Your Fights Good-Bye

Jamie Turndorf

Family & Parenting, Psychology, Relationships

978-1-4019-4533-6

Heated fighting triggers a biochemical imbalance in men that causes them to flee from conflict. The technical name for this is the Demand-Withdraw Negative Escalation Cycle, or "Husband Withdrawal" fo... More

Apr 14, 2014 rschechter
One of the most important things I have learned in my 20s and 30s is that it is not wise to take relationship advice from helpful friends and family. What usually follows is a recommended course of action that the person is unwilling to take themselves or a recommendation that you stay in a relationship no matter what. I have not found either of these black or white approaches to be particularly helpful and instead, frequently turn to relationship experts for wisdom and advice. For this reason I became interested in reading Kiss Your Fights Goodbye by Dr. Jamie Turndorf after listening to her on a Hay House radio program.

In her book, Dr. Turndorf explains how intense arguments create a biochemical imbalance in men that causes them to retreat from the women that they love. Referring to this phenomenon as “husband withdrawal, Dr. Turndorf teaches women why it is wise to not take a man’s withdrawal personally. In explaining this phenomenon, Dr. Turndorf highlights how emotional scars can come into play and wreak havoc on a relationship.

I found reading this book to be extremely helpful. As someone who has taken male withdrawal personally, I know firsthand how my inability to be objective can worsen a situation in a relationship. Kiss Your Fights Goodbye went one step further by giving me practical tools to use such as words to avoid, behaviors to stop engaging in and sample scripts to use during intense moments. Ultimately the goal in life is to be able to navigate intense conflict without needing scripts or guidance, but for someone who is just learning how to negate these difficult patterns in a relationship, the material in this book is a good starting point.

*FTC Disclosure: I received this book for free from Hay House Publishing for this review. The opinion in this review is unbiased and reflects my honest judgment of the product.
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Mar 26, 2014 Gwynne

What do you get when you pair a socially awkward 30-something woman who has a touch of Asperger’s with a 20-something man who has a touch of Bipolar and BPD?

My marriage.

We fight. Horribly, horribly fight. Some of the worst fights I’ve ever had in my entire life were during this marriage. In fact, ALL of the worst fights I’ve had my entire life were during this marriage. And I was previously married for almost seven years. So yeah, we fight.

But we can’t seem to let go of each other, either. Not for lack of screaming at each other, demanding/threatening divorce, and various other tactics that fail miserably every time.

So considering this, I was excited to see this book, Kiss Your Fights Goodbye, by Dr. Jamie Turndorf. If there was ever any hope of us learning to not fight all the time, maybe this book could open my eyes to it.

And it’s working, slowly, in a way that I do see a bit more hope than I did before reading this book. But more than that, the conflict resolution and communication skills presented in this book are helping not just in my marriage, but in relationships at work. Socially awkward in the work place makes for some very difficult times!

The biggest shift that occurred for me after reading this book was awareness of my own reactions, and why I react that way. Through that awareness, I’m able to start responding in a less reactive manner, helping to keep the fights from escalating as much. It’s this awareness, more than anything, that has helped me gradually begin to shift the tone of our conversations, so that instead of turning into screaming matches and a battle of the wills, it becomes a more meaningful and productive conversation. Just in the weeks since receiving this book, the tactics have made a worlds of difference for us, and I’m glad I had the opportunity to review it.

I wholeheartedly recommend this book, and it can be purchased on Amazon and at Hay House.

I was not financially compensated for this post. I received the book from Hay House for review purposes. The opinions are completely my own based on my experience. This review is based on the Kindle version of the book.

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Mar 18, 2014 winmar
So many of my friends and clients, myself included, seem to end up in arguments that are a loop...going nowhere. It was with the question of how to break the loop that I selected Turndorf's book to review for Hayhouse. Like a breathe of fresh air, I saw instantly saw myself in the role described for men. When it comes to how our autonomic nervous systems work during disagreements, my husband and I switch roles. Page after page I read about myself and my behavior. Our habitual, unconscious reactions create what I call "the loop." After the first few chapters I felt I had gained the insight I wanted even though topics such as negotiating contracts are included. Many of the arguments mentioned in the book are far worse than anything I have experienced. It's a quick read with potentially life-changing suggestions.
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Feb 13, 2014 alpha_andy_omega
Dr. Jamie Turndorf has written a fascinating guide to improving your relationship. Her sense of humor, and candor, also make this a refreshing look at a well worn subject. There are many concepts in this book that have never occurred to me. This book isn't just relationship advice with solutions offered, it gets into biochemical as well as psychological reasons a man and woman can love each other devotedly, yet still battle it out in the heat of the moment. Frankly, there were some examples offered that I was glad to have read about rather than experienced personally. Whether you're newly engaged, or been a couple for years there is a lot of wisdom you can take away from Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. I was not financially compensated for this post. I received the book from Hay House for review purposes. The opinions are completely my own based on my experience.
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